So finally after almost 3 weeks in the hospital I got to go home. I had been so anxious to be released, it was a week before Christmas and my little Addy had only been to visit me a couple times and was really having a hard time. I had developed lymphedema in my legs because of all the fluid that had been building up. I was wheeled out to my mom who was waiting in the car with Addy in the back seat. I was so happy to be out of the hospital and all I wanted to do was go Christmas shopping. We went to mall straight away. I kept telling myself I was fine and I could do this, unfortunately my body disagreed. Going up the stairs was exhausting I had lost 30 lbs while I was in the hospital and carrying extra fluid in my legs made it feel like I had weights on my ankles. Not to mention having cancer eating you every minute of every day takes a toll on your energy.

I made it through the mall but it was not easy and I actually didn’t have the energy to stand in line to even buy anything. We ended up just going home, but I was determined to try again! Being home felt so nice. I decided that I was just going to live on my parents couch and Addy got their spare bedroom. I had been living next door on the same property but I knew I was going to need a lot of help and I am so blessed to have the most amazing parents. I never had to ask them for help they just seemed to know that I couldn’t do this by myself.

Second attempt at the mall; this time we went to the mall near our house, no stairs! However, I still couldn’t walk very far. Luckily the mall had riding carts you could rent. It was weird not to be able to walk, but Addy had fun riding on the cart with me. We were there to see Santa and do a little shopping. We make it to Santa Clause, Addy sat on his lap and he asked what she wanted for Christmas. She just burst into tears, he asked if it was her first time seeing Santa? I told him no, but that she might be having a hard time because I had just come home from the hospital, he said he hoped I was ok and I struggled to say I have cancer.

(I still can’t tell this story without crying) Addy calmed down and took a picture with Santa. We went to pay for the pictures after it came out of the printer and the elf at the register said “it’s already taken care of, Santa wanted to give you an early Christmas gift.” My mom and I both lost it right there in the mall, we thanked Santa through our tears and headed home.

On the way home we listened to Christmas music. The Trans-Siberian Orchestra, the Christmas Canon song came on, I tried holding my breath so I wouldn’t cry but the tears just started streaming, I heard my mom sniffle, I couldn’t look at her. Moments like this you think about things like, is this going to be my last Christmas? Will this be the last time I get to take Addy to see Santa? Should we go to the mountains to play in the snow because I might not ever get to see snow again. I wasn’t afraid, but I wasn’t ready for it to be over.

I went Christmas shopping again, this time without Addy and my mom. My boyfriend at the time took me because everyone had agreed, except for me, that I couldn’t drive by myself or go anywhere alone. I was able to walk a little bit better, it was the day before Christmas eve. I was just walking through the store looking at kids stuff and this woman walks up to me and says “you look like you could use a little Christmas miracle” and hands me a card and walks away, I open it and it’s a $50 gift card, and there I am crying in public again.

There is so much kindness in the world, it gets over shadowed by so much of the ugliness, but I believe most people are good. Going through this made me look at people differently. You never know what someone else is going through and some people are battling things you can’t possibly imagine. It’s important to be kind, smile, hold doors open for people, do something nice for a complete stranger, you never know the impact you might have on someone else’s life.